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The German nurse moved away. I closed my eyes again.Almost immediately, someone was calling my name. "John? John? Open your eyes."I managed to open them again. This time the one-to-six people over me was a grey-bearded black guy. He voice was still distorted, but it was more English than gibberish."Very good!" He nodded. "Ok, John, do you understand what I'm saying?" I started to speak and got the pain spikes again. I tried to nod, but that was even worst. "Ok. Let try this: squeeze my hand once." I wasn't even sure where my hands were so I squeezed both just to make sure I had one. The right one was holding something. "Good! Now squeeze my hand twice." I squeezed it twice. "Excellent! Ok, John, you're in a hospital. You were in an accident and you were hit on the head. You've been unconscious for a while, but we've stitched you all up and you're healing right on schedule. Squeeze my hand twice if you understood all that."I squeezed twice. Of course I understood. I'd been living in a. Changes, big changes, had been made. But itwas as if they'd been made by some intelligence at work outside of herconsciousness, beyond her will, which ultimately seemed too weak andindecisive to act on its own. Nonetheless this unknown part of her,arguably the most important part of her, seemed, in retrospect, as if itmust have been working invisibly behind-the scenes to bring her to whereshe was today. It didn't just happen all by chance; it seemed, instead,more an act of fate.Even the act of putting the ad on the computer which led to that first guycoming to her apartment for sex, Ben, his name was, even doing somethingas defined as that, had happened in a kind of sleepwalk. Her actionsseemed to be directed by some remote intelligence that knew what sheneeded better than she did herself. She could never have consciously donesomething as potentially dangerous as that herself.What an odd way to live a life, Marcia thought. She wondered if otherpeople didn't also live at least some.
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