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(It was Elaine, by the way.) That singular incident had not had any discernible effect on me. Not yet, perhaps. But as I went on ruminating, I thought surely my close and loving relationship with my mom all my life had influenced me in some way my choice of Janeane as my girlfriend. She was smart, kind, cheerful and congenial like mom. But most "suspicious" of all were her physical attributes. she was on the heavy side and was a brunette like mom. She too had a round, sweet face and lots of body hair. I loved the thick "fur" under her armpits and I was glad to find her large patch of pubic hair. I went through the third day after the sexual incident with mom doing the same old college stuffs. But then I took Janeane out on a date and came back to the apartment with her. I had sex with her before but this time it was a little different. She used to say that I was too much in a hurry and was a little rough with her. It was true that I did not do much of a foreplay with her and I had. Roberto, one of my oldest friends, came to visit me in my illness. Shehad become, she told me, a neo-pagan. The desire for heaven, she said,"is nothing but a Church-approved kind of concupiscence. Religion 'cures'self-centeredness by approving of another version of self-centeredness,condemning the Earth-centered versions that, at one time, needed to becriticized, but that now, as neo-Paganism, is a robust critique therampant afterlife-obsessed (and this Earth-ignoring) religiosity that hassevered humanity's collective imagination from our planet."I wasn't in the mood. Far from. In my illness it was impossible tocherish Earth or This Life with anything like Roberto's enthusiasm. Heleft rather quickly, let down by my lack of interest in all the things hehad to say about the wonders of Earth-worship.In the throes of this illness, suspicion marked my psyche. I doubted somany presumptions, but never the meaningfulness, to me, of my personalpractice of cross-dressing. Transvestitism has.
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