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The world seemed grey and tasteless with you gone, as if allthe joy had been sucked out of it, and I moved through it like aphantom. People were sympathetic, but anything more than a simple "I'msorry for your loss" was too much for me to cope with. Everything justhurt too much. At first, I couldn't bear to look at my reflection, knowing that every time I did I'd see you there, the ghost in themirror, reminding me what I'd lost. Later, I swung to the oppositeextreme. They say your body is a temple; well, mine became a shrine. Iwould spend hours at the dressing table meticulously doing my hair,make-up, and clothing in as precise a copy of how you did it as I couldmanage. I got very good at it. It was as if, in my pain and sorrow, Iwas somehow trying to recreate you with skirts, heels, lipstick, andpowder, unconsciously trying through some crude form of sympatheticmagic to bring you back to me.Ah, yes, magic.I realize now that the charms were magic, and that you used them toswitch our. I've said I was a boy since I was 8 years old, and even before then my parents called me a tomboy because I liked rough sports and getting dirty, and when I started reaching puberty I had an eye for the pretty girls. Yes, I know that gender identity and sexual preference don't always align, but in my case they do.Anyway, back to the unconscious cheerleader...I wanted to do something to this little slut that she would never forget, but with the materials at hand (i.e., no penis) my options were limited.Or were they? I looked back down at the used condom.I suppose if I hadn't been ovulating I wouldn't even have considered doing what I was about to do. I had been on testosterone treatments for a couple of months by that point but my periods hadn't fully stopped, and I was horny as hell.I picked up the used prophylactic, looking at the seed it contained through its translucent wall. I unhooked my belt and pulled my pants and underwear down for easy access to my vagina. I hated that I had.
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