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I know she loves me. She has told me so. She has told me what she wants to do to me.”“What I need to tell you involves what I confessed to you last night. Yes I am into self-flagellation. It is something of a disease in my mind. The self-punishment. I was wondering if you could help me to feel pain above what I can give to myself.”Wow! My angel wants me to give her pain. I don’t know if I can do that. What do I say to her? These words must be very carefully chosen. To say no will hurt her very much. To say yes, how far does she want me to go?How much is too much and how much is too little. This is all new to me.“Amelia, I will help you. But I need one condition from you or I will not help you. I need for you to come up with a safe word, or action, so if I go too far you can say it and I will stop. And that will be the end of it. Also I need another word for me to be more accretive with what I am doing. Do you understand me?”She laid her head on my chest and I felt a big breath come. Things will get better before they get much worse.You will pay."I recognized the paper, the ink, the penmanship . . . it was from theold woman!I quickly got into my car and pulled out of the driveway. Butinstead of making a right at the end if my street (toward thehospital), I made a left. I was heading for the desert. I had myselfan old woman to find!Chapter 44:00 PM; some 150 miles outside of town.It seemed to have taken all day, but after driving around thereservation for hours and asking countless people directions . . . Ifinally managed to find my way to the home of an old woman that Ibelieved was the one I was looking for. I had been to at least adozen places already with absolutely no luck at all. I didn't think itwould be this difficult, but I wasn't going to stop until I found her.I got out of my car and began to make my way up the decrepitdriveway. As I did, some nearby people began to stare. I felt theireyes burn holes in me as I made my way toward the front door.But.
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