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Who would have been the body she needed had shenot met me? How could she find another post-operative transwoman whowould be prepared to die for her? Or could she find such a bodyalready dead? It was only when I started to think about these thingsthat I started to wonder about what kind of monster Janet Downing (orwhatever her real name was) might be.I had thought of myself as a monster. I was a nasty and ill-temperedviolent little man. At least I had been. Somehow with all thesehormones that I needed to develop her body I was not like that allanymore. With my nuts gone I no longer had any violent thoughts. Infact, that, or the female hormones, seemed to have made me placid, andeven (dare I say it) content. Maybe even happy.Certainly, suicidal thoughts no longer dominated my thinking. But thefact is that arrangements had been made. I needed to die so thatJanet could die.It was three years ago today, that we drove up to "The Leap". Sheneeded to make sure, you see. We took. I have always been attracted to older women because I don't find the girls around my own age appealing. I always worry about having sex for the first time with someone who isn't experienced. When I masturbate I usually picture myself with an older woman. Most of the time I picture myself with you. You are one the most beautiful women I have ever seen and by taking your underwear home with me it would be like a part of you is there with me." "Now I understand, but you shouldn't have to take a girls underwear in order to masturbate. You really should get yourself a girlfriend. You're good looking enough for any girl in your grade, but there is nothing wrong if you find older women attractive too. When I was your age I found older guys attractive. Now that I'm older I always enjoy checking you boys out when you're at the gym lifting weights." Are you serious Julie? I always check you out when I see you at the gym." I understand how you might be afraid of having sex with an inexperienced.
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