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Icertainly didn't like the way I had been acting towards others. It wasas if I was only seeing it clearly for the first time.My mind turned to my father and I could feel the tears trickling downmy cheeks. In the face of possible harm or even death, I re-evaluatedthe way we had drifted apart. I had always been happy to lay the blamesquarely at his door. I mean, he was the one who had rejected me. Onbalance, however, I realised that I was not without fault. I had knownthat my father would not be favourable towards my transition, but I hadsteamed ahead relentlessly without giving much thought to how he sawthings. I thought of Jon and was again overcome with emotion. Althoughwe were close, we had not been communicating clearly for a long time.There was so much that had gone unsaid.These were loose ends that I had to deal with. If I ever got out ofthis mess, my mind added. Perhaps that was an explanation for thisclarity of thought. The mind needs to cling to something else outsidethe. How many of us had sexual experiences as kids that we wouldNEVER tell our parents about, and perhaps that, even years later make us blush--andmake us hot as we remember? Most of us, I imagine. When I was a kid, say from the age 9 or so, I was turned-on almost constantly.It was as if my whole body were a sexual organ receptive to sensual stimulation.Freud called this "polymorphous perversity," and I was (and am) certainly aPerv. 1) PINK BELLY My earliest sexual memories revolve around innocent childhood sadomasochism--andsadomasochism is the prevailing theme of this story. In my neighborhood onLong Island we engaged in a practice known as 'pink belly'. Oddly enough, forall my years of reading bondage and S&M erotica on the web, I've neverseen or read any reference to it. Administering a pink belly entailed two orthree or four boys capturing another boy (I can't remember any girl victims;maybe at that age--about 8 to 11 years of age-- we just had nothing to do withgirls outside of.
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