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For the last 35 years I have had Mary to attend to my needs. I don't want to marry at my age so with Marys retirement I have been forced to look for relief elsewhere. I had you thoroughly investigated and with Marys approval I chose you to be her replacement. I know enough about you to know that although you are a newlywed things are not as rosy and right as they should be. I know about your first honeymoon night and the trouble he had initiating sex. I know how crude his lovemaking skills are. I know or suspect that he has never given you an orgasm. An unsatisfied wife is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. I promise you that any time we spend together will be very satisfactory to you. I also know that financially you two are struggling. Young couples sometimes scrimp and save for years to buy a starter home. I would hope that your new salary would accelerate that process. Finally, and this is a big one here, I know that you two have talked about starting a family. I have come into. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the 1950s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” the official said.Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, buying up all the hip hop CDs, and renting all of the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t absorb and support.
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