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She then came down the stairs and grabbed me by my shirt, nearly lifting me off the ground. Her voice was filled with anger as she spoke barely above a whisper, “Mom could have heard what you said before. Do you see why we don’t talk about those thing outside of you bed?”I agreed that I understood and promised to never repeat what was said in my bed. She released me and we returned to our chore.It was more than three weeks till our parents had another loud argument. This one started before I had fallen asleep so I turned my light on and sat up in bed waiting for my sister to tap on my door. I did not have to wait long. When I said softly, “Come in,” Liz opened the door and stepped in, closing the door quietly behind her. Nothing was said. I flipped the blanket up, Liz slid in beside of me, and covered up.I turned out the light and Liz said, “Hold me but no talk.”She laid her head on my chest and I put my arm around her. Mom was shouting quite loudly this night but I could. Probably ten o’clock. In the summer, the kids stayed up until nightfall and we collapsed soon after. Hayden had to be at work by seven. I was nearly asleep when he spoke, nudging me awake.“Marilyn, we need to talk.”“Not now, Hayden, I’m too tired. I promise we can have sex tomorrow night.” I guess that had become a pretty standard response to his overtures over the past year. The truth was that I was ashamed of my body. I wasn’t exactly fat, but two babies had left my stomach soft and puffed out. My breasts were still okay because I never breastfed a baby, but they were beginning to soften and sag as well. I was too tired to shave my legs and armpits regularly. My hair hadn’t been professionally done in a year. I couldn’t see how Hayden could possibly find me desirable. It was easier to push him away.“I had an affair, Marilyn.”I lay there suddenly awake but unmoving. My husband? The only man I’d ever kissed? The father of my children? Rutting with some faceless bimbo when I thought.
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